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How to Become a Mad Scientist in Under 10 Years

Tag: Silly
It never fails. There's always the kid in high school that wants to be a mad scientist when he/she grows up and live in some super secret underwater base, or possibly one of those floating island things you always see in RPGs that you've been playing too much of. If you are reading this site, chances are you are that kid. As a mad scientist living in a floating castle with robot guards, I offer my knowledge and experience to you such that you too can build your own laser death ray before you hit your 30's without making the same mistakes I did or wasting precious time.

Step 1 - Having a Road Map

Skip ahead a decade. Pretend you've already achieved your goal and you're plotting your next attack against mega man. Imagining? Good. Notice that in your mental image, you're not doing laundry. Or grocery shopping. Nor are you waiting at Jiffy Lube to get your oil changed. These bring up 3 valid points.

  • As a mad scientist, you don't have time to do laundry. You're going to need all the time you can get to dedicate to your evil plans. You will need robot servants to do trivial chores for you. Or live with your parents. But that's not very mad-scientist-ish. If you're really good, then you can get the robots to build more robots. Then all you have to do is program orders and draw schematics.
  • A true mad scientist's secret hideout is out in the middle of nowhere, where they can't be disturbed and doesn't depend on any utilities or resources. Your base is self-sustaining. You produce your own food. You treat your own water and generate your own electricity.
  • A mad scientist doesn't have a car. They have a nifty space ship things. Or at least something that hovers.

Step 2 - Picking the Right College and Majors

Without robot servants, it will be impossible to do the things mad scientists do. When picking a college and a major, this should be your first goal. Therefore electrical engineering or mechanical engineering should be your major. Whichever of the two you do not major in, you should at least dabble in enough to be dangerous. You will also double major. The other major should be Physics or Biochemistry. What's the point of being a mad scientist if you don't build cutting-edge gadgets? You also need your flying car. Remember what I said about a self-sustaining base? That's what biochemistry is for. If you're growing your own food and recycling water, then it's probably best to have some background there. Again, whichever major you don't choose as your double major, you should also dabble in.

Step 3 - What little free time you have

Give up TV, friends, video games, internet, and sleep. There is no time to waste. Spend every moment in the library. Read a new book every day. No stories. Science only. Also keep up with politics and current events. If you plan on being a mad scientist, you need something to be mad about.

Step 4 - Getting an Income After College

Now that it's time to pay back your student loans, you need a source of income. You know the guy that rips your movie theater ticket in half and drops them into the abyss-box and tells you whether your movie is on the left or the right? Apply to do that.

No, really. Trust me on this one.

Can you think of any other job that that requires less complex calculations to perform? Apply to a movie theater. Do this for a week until it feels extremely natural. Natural enough that you could build a robot to do this.

Now build a robot that looks like you with a remote manual override. Use the remote to get the robot to the movie theater and back home after it's done for the day. Once you get it into position each day, put it on auto-rip mode, but with a detection algorithm that alerts you when out-of-the-ordinary situations arrive. This is to ensure that you can intervene if an out-of-ordinary situation arises. Such as when a four-year-old asks you where the tickets go after you drop them into the box. Then you can control the robot remotely from your home and invoke a shrug routine.

Build a few dozen more of these robots. As more out-of-ordinary situations arise, you will start to learn patterns and program these robots likewise. By this point you can also probably program them to get to and from work without you even piloting them. After about a year of this, you can probably reduce the times where manually controlling these robots to nearly 0. When that happens, build robots that can build thousands of these movie theater ticket-ripping robots nonstop.

And of course, you receive the paycheck from each one while you sit on your ass and study quantum physics all day.

They may be minimum wage paychecks, but there are tens of thousands of them and all of them are in the lowest tax bracket. After a few short years the millions, possibly billions add up and you'll be ready for...

Step 5 - Choosing a Secret Base

Now that you're rich, it's time to build up your secret labratory. Some place secluded where no one can bother you. Here are the options:
  • In the Mountains - Nice in the summer. Bad during the winter. Fresh, clean water usually won't be a problem. If you build in the mountains anywhere in the US, you'll probably have an occasional problem with hikers and campers. Himalayas are a good choice.
  • Island - Unless it's in international waters, having an island is pretty much useless. However, there are no islands left in international waters, so you will have to depend on importing and dumping dirt on top of shallow atolls in the South Pacific. There's only a few of those left so you better start now! The major downfall of an island is if anything really bad happens, you're screwed. Supplies are also hard to obtain.
  • Undersea Base - Same downfalls as an island ×2. However, you are nearly guaranteed 100% privacy and you can tap into geothermal energy for generating electricity if you're deep enough and choose the right location. Construction costs will be outrageous, though.
  • Flying fortress - Don't make a flying fortress. I don't want competition with my flying fortress.

Step 6 - Getting Mad

Now that you're all set up, it's time to get mad about something. Watch the news for half an hour and something will come to you. I'm sure whatever it is can be resolved by amassing a robot army or creating some sort of giant laser and taking over the world. You're off the maps and have robots so you never have to worry about the tediousness of normal life chores and you've specialized in every scientific subject known to man. It's time to go stir up some trouble.